December 30
Fight to the Death 3,000 butterflies
or
one bobcat?

Butterflies.

December 31
have the mind of william shakespeare but the body of william taft
or
the mind of albert einstein but the body of fat albert?

Einstein.

Happy New Year!

December 23
Fight gladiatorial-style to the death with (insert friend)
or
be surgically connected at the hip with (insert enemy)

fight a friend.

December 24
Melon-ball your left eye out
or
Cheese-grate the skin off your left forearm?

ick. ick. ick.

Decmeber 25/26
Have a personal caddy that will carry anything you have anywhere you go
or
a minstrel who will record the events of your life in song?

Caddy.

December 27
Wear an obscenely revealing thong to the beach
or
be the subject of a loud ‘happy birthday’ song at a very busy restaurant?

Happy Birthday

December 28

Gyrate crazily in front of your best friend’s parents for a full two minutes
or
punch your grandmother lightly in the adam’s apple?

Gyrate.

December 29
Tongue-clean a urinal puck
or
drink the entire contents of a boxer’s post fight spit bucket.

This is another one of those ones I can’t even think about or I’ll get sick

December 16
Be a siamese twin – connected by the buttocks
or
by the elbows?

elbows

December 17
date someone with an inverse farmer’s tan
or
someone who smells his or her fingers every 10 seconds?

inverse farmers tan.

December 18/19
Your hostage negotiator be ozzy osbourne
or
jessica simpson?

Jessica.

December 20
have tag-team matches in boxes
or
have a round where boxers dance-off?

Dance off!

December 21
Have your love life written by woody allen
or
nicholas sparks

OMG I can not stand Nicholas Sparks and his books with the same outcome. So definitely Woody Alllen.

december 22
have your dreams written and directed by John hughes
or
ron howard?

Ron Howard.

December 9
Kick your aunt in the stomach
or
drop 200 turtles off a 40-story building

Drop turtles.

December 10
Be NBA commissioner and institute a two-second shot clock
or
a three-feet-tall maximum height rule?

shot clock

December 11/12
Grow up in the wild
or
in a burger king?

Burger King

December 13
Live in a world where all international disputes were settled by means of break dancing contests
or
kick ball games

Break dancing contests

December 14
Spend your honeymoon in a home depot
or
a bowling alley?

bowling alley

December 15
Marry a bipolar tour guide
or
autistic foot locker salesperson?

tour guide.

December 2
Wear a cologne named mulch
or
named pungent hippy?

Mulch

December 3
Spend your honeymoon in a slaughterhouse
or
at your folks’ house

Folks.

December 4/5
Be tenderized to death with small, wooden mallet
or
consume kleenex until you die?

Consume kleenex

December 6
Would you fight to the death 300 remote control cars
or
20 sentient red rubber playground balls?

Playground balls

December 7
Be stuck on a desert island with your significant other and an ipod filled with barry white’s most sultry tunes
or
your significant other and a complete set of magic: the gathering cards?

Barry White

December 8
Watch a man get hit by a speeding truck
or
your parents making love?

man get hit by a truck

November 25
Where teletubbies are a common species of creature that live in the wild
or
where there are evil ‘bizzaro’ arch-enemy version of ourselves?

Teletubbies.

November 26
Have one nostril
or
eight nostrils?

One

November 27/28
Be a booger dummy
or
be pooped on by a flock of seagulls for an hour?

popped on.

November 29
Put spikes on the outfield wall at baseball games
or
light the infield on fire?

Spikes.

November 30
In boxing, limit punching to below the belt
or
have whoopee-cushion-like devices in the gloves?

Whoopee cushion.

December 1
Eat a tennis ball for $1,000
or
a pound of human flesh for $50,000

Tennis ball

November 18
Spend a year confined to a house with (insert 3 close relatives)
or
One month with (insert vile acquaintance)?

relatives.

November 19
Live in a world painted by Van Gogh
or
Seurat?

Van Gogh.

November 20/21
Be a Siamese twin connected by the soles of your feet
or
at the lips?

lips

November 22
Live in a world where the moon gives off light like a disco ball
or
where the sun is a different emoticon every day reflecting the weather?

Emoticon sun.

November 23
Fight to the death koalas
or
berenstein bears

Koalas

November 24
Change PGA rules to allow loud heckling at greens
or
Require golfers to tee off their caddies’ crotches?

Heckling.

November 4
After a big night out, wake up next to a close co-worker
or
a friend of your mother?

LOL umm coworker?

November 5
Live in a world where computer gaming was a lucrative and respected sport
or
where it was legally enforced to have dungeons and dragons statistics on your driver’s license?

computer gaming = sport

November 6/7
Only be able to eat orange foods
or
only be able to eat foods starting with the letter ‘K’?

Orange foods.

November 8
Be sentenced to a hell that is a grid-locked traffic jams with literally no end, as the passenger seat nags you
or
A hell that is an eternal bar-mitzvah part where a painfully bad band sings ‘celebration’ and ‘shout’ over and over?

bar-mitzvah. I can’t handle traffic.

November 9
Live in a world where women are given more pay, opportunity and access to jobs
or
where men experience the pains of the birth process along with women?

Definitely the second. lol

November 10
Spend an eight-hour car ride with (insert annoying acquaintance)
or
put on (insert friend)’s socks and underwear every day for a month?

Are the underwear washed? because I could handle that moreso than a ride with someone annoying LOL

October 28
Have inflatable breasts
or
adjustable palm lines?

Adjustable palm lines.

October 29
Live in a world where golf courses and cemeteries were combined on one property
or
where churches and paintball parks were?

Churches and paintball parks.

October 30/31
Have bendy straws for hair
or
newspaper for skin?

bendy straws for hair

November 1
Fight to the death possessed office supplies
or
possessed deli meats

deli meats. eat them and you win. tada!

November 2
Drunk a beefbrawler (gin, orange juice, ground raw beef, two shakers of salt sucked through a green onion)
or
A bloody pilgrim (kool-aid, heavy cream and mushrooms pureed, topped with warm fat freshly liposucted fro ma fat lady’s thigh and arm)?

GROOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSS

November 3
Eat the emperor (two pounds of roast beef sauteed in the sweat of a sumo wrestler, consumed to the tune of ‘ride of the valkyrie’)
or
The regent (to charcoal briquettes on a toasted roll, eaten in the presence of five surly sailors)?

The regent. I guess.

October 21
Be buried in a high school gymnasium after you die
or
be cremated and have your ashes sprinkled over ted koppel?

gym.

October 22
Be able to use only one piece of tissue/napkin your whole life
or
Imbibe all liquids through a fallopian tube?

One napkin.

October 23/24
Have mayonnaise tears
or
kool-aid sweat?

kool aid sweat

October 25
Drink an entire bottle of vinegar
or
read the bible cover to cover

Read the bible cover to cover

October 26
have naturally water-repellant hair
or
nipples that pop up when food is done in the oven?

Seriously with the nipple obsession in this calendar… I’d go with water repellent (it is spelled repellant in the calendar but i think that is wrong?) hair.

October 27
Eat 14 full sticks of butter
or
The contents of michael jackson’s face

14 sticks of butter.